I have a confession to make...
I don't like selfies.
When people post them, I usually judge them saying terrible things in my head like, "They are super full of themselves," or, "Don't they know how narcissistic they look right now?" or "They must need validation from other people in order to feel good about themselves."
Where do these thoughts come from? I have no idea. It's an awful way to feel and I want to stop. But because I think this way, I am afraid to post selfies of my own. I am afraid people will think that about me because so often I think it about others. In fact, I am so afraid that seeing my picture up there right now makes me feel really gross and it is making me want to delete everything I've written so far and start over about something happy and easy and safe. But that isn't what this is about, it's about facing my fears and re-wiring my brain.
I started this blog with the intention to post weekly. I had a few ideas hashed out, I even scheduled in time in my planner to write the posts. But when it finally came down to writing I made excuses every time.
"I don't have pretty enough photos."
"No one will be interested in what I have to say."
"I'm not funny or witty, I'm boring and that will come out in my writing."
So I would spend hours reading other artist's blogs for "inspiration." Which basically just turned into me feeling worse about myself and wondering how I could ever do anything as great as these other artists I look up to. Not motivating.
I've found this is a serious destructive pattern in my life. I let my fear keep me from doing the things I want to do. STUPID FEARS like,
"The website isn't perfect, so I shouldn't launch it until it looks as good as ________'s does."
"How will I ship my painting if someone buys it?"
"What if people think I'm too salesman-y, how do I promote my work without bothering people?"
"What if my work isn't interesting or conceptual enough?"
"How am I ever going to make a living from this if I can't even blog about myself and my work?"
I spent almost all of 2015 being afraid. My relationships have suffered, I've withdrawn, I've cancelled plans. I've found myself fearing social situations. I've become restless and worrisome, glued to social media, unable to focus on the things that are really important. I've slowly become someone I never thought I'd be.
SO things need to change. Big time.
I have some big and exciting plans for 2016 which include a yearlong project that I will be sharing next week. And Monday I'm going to post my year in review to help me celebrate some of my wins from 2015 and publicly declare my personal and professional goals for next year so I can stay accountable.
I'm done with looking at what everyone else is doing and feeling paralyzed and afraid. I'm just diving in, working hard, overcoming fear, and throwing perfection out the window.
2016 is going to be the best year yet.